Yet another brilliant piece of comedy

Short but sweet. The guy doing the weather on the radio was talking about today’s forecast (flurries and teens for a high). He then goes on to talk about tonite saying it will get into the single digits overnight with a 100% chance of darkness. Hilarious. That’s comedy.

Quarter Pickle: No More, No Less

Sometimes its the little things that get us through boring times, like work. So last night at work I was working with the guys in grocery and we had gotten in HUGE jars of HUGE pickles. Like the ones you would pay a dollar for at the Renaissance Festival. Under further investigation it appeared the pickle jar contained 20 pickles -give or take a runt pickle- but something strange appeared on your “Daily Values” chart. The jar stated that there were 80 servings in one jar. 80 servings and 20 pickles. In parenthesis it said, “One serving equals approximately 1/4 pickle”. That’s comedy.

So here is the situation. You are allowed to take a pickle out of the jar, but must precisely bite off 1/4 of it. 3/4 of it if you bite the large end and spit it back into the jar and eat the 1/4. The average person would also keep working on the same pickle 4 times. (Actually an average person would just eat the whole pickle-but bare with me) This would be an incorrect and perhaps socially unnacceptable methodology. We came to the conclusion that you must eat 1/4 of each pickle before continuing and making one of the pickles a half-pickle. I then got everybody in tears when I asked them how funny it would be if you had people over and they were attracted to the giant jar of pickles. They would ask, “Hey Dave, can I have a pickle?” I would reply “No, but you may have a quarter pickle as I wouldn’t want to be responsible for you ingesting more than your daily value of sodium!” They would then look at me strangely as they reached for a pickle and to their own horror realized that only 3/4 pickles remained in the pickle brine and 3/4 biting backwash. Hilarity would ensue. Pickle brine may shoot from your nostril, possibly landing back into the huge jar!

Wanna come over? I have pickles.

(note: of course the pickles are dill. sweet pickles should not be consumed under ANY circumstance-including starvation)

AAH! My Stats are in the Crapper

Read ME! I have nothing to say. please comment on ideas you would like me to ramble on about. I’m very good at rambling, in fact “Lord, I was born a rambling maaaaan”. Good at rambling (and ping pong).  Bad at finding a real job. It’s basically all my fault that we aren’t approved for a good amount of money in which to buy a new house.  Why did I pick Park and Rec? Because they told me everyone would be retiring when I finished school. Bullcrap. I work overnights and get off work only to find out my car doesn’t start and that I have to get a ride home and then to make matters worse I have to have my pregnant wife drive me to work tonite after she just spent 14 hours at school. I’m sure shes happy with me (she should be) its the car she should be pissed at, or the fact that I thought it would be ok to take the Ion to work last night when she offered to switch cars. Hindsight is 20/20. PS Obama won another state or something. The country is one step closer to the Apocolypse. Hurray. Pardon my fake enthusiasm, but if you can’t tell I’ve been awake for far too many hours and need to go to bed or wait for bread (really) but i’m not sure which to do first. Oh, look a refreshing beverage.

Tata for now,

Neslo Divad

Birthday Money…the conundrum.

Conundrum: a paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma

My birthday has come and gone. The birthday money is here. Now the hard part. My birthday falls close to Christmas (within 2 months). These are the two times a year when gift cards and private (non-wife owned) cash exist. My wonderful relatives/in-laws have provided me the opportunity to salivate at Cabela’s and get what I want. That is a great problem to have and gift cards help eliminate the issue of what to do with a gift. I’m thinking a St. Croix or G-Loomis walleye rod. YUM!

However there is a fair amount of cash as well. Enough to get something rather substantial. But their is a catch. Birthday/Christmas money has stipulations, and not from the people who gave it in the first place to “do what YOU like with it”. Let’s translate that for the people who don’t understand. It really means “do what your wife will allow YOU to do with it. Here are some options, please leave a comment and vote.

1. Take a guided fishing trip. Guided fishing trips are expensive. $150-$200 dollars for a day. I’ve never caught a fish over 7 lbs. I’d kind of like to take a guided Flathead Catfish fishing trip and have the possibility of something weighing 15-80 pounds. Wife approval rating: 8/10. Bonus: Cash left over.

2. Put it in the bank under terms of using it to eventually get an HDTV. Watching a 24 inch screen the last 2 years is depressing after watching such a beauty of a television while living with Bethany’s parents. Wife approval rating: Haven’t asked. Since it doesn’t spend the money right away I’m sure its ok. probably 8.5/10. Bonus:Bigger Video game screen. Drawback…we don’t have HD cable.

3. Combine it with Cabela’s cards and go nuts. Wife Approval Rating: 4/10 (you already have gift cards their why spend more?)

4. I’ve really wanted to get back into ice fishing. I could use this right now and get a really nice fish house since they are on sale. Next year i could get the heater/vexilar electronics. In two years I would be ready and have really nice equipment. Wife Approval Rating: 3.5/10. (I have no way of currently transporting a fish house as I’m not sure it would fit in the back of the Stratus. Would have to wait until next year to use it.

5. La creme de la creme. (spelling?) X-Box 360. I’ve REALLY wanted to play Bioshock, Modern Warfare, and the sports games. Wife Approval Rating: -7,000,000/10. I already have a Wii, but looking back it was a rash decision. I should have saved for the X-box in the first place. I apparently am only allowed 1 video game system and I’m already invested in the Wii to the tune of 15 games. It is very fun, but more games I’ve wanted to play are on the X-box. I need to pass the games I have and re-evaluate. Anyone want a Wii in great condition? $200 bucks. You save about $75 after tax.

So 5 options, but they are not all legit. What do I do?

The Velvet Sachs

So 27 came and went. Well not really. I’m still 27. Where did I think I would be at this ripe old age? Did I think I was ever going to be married and just a few short weeks from becoming a father? Certainly not. I guess someone had plans for me that looking back since high school, I never would have imagined. I also would not have had the last 9 years a bit different than they played out to be. I have been blessed with a soon-to-be-arriving daughter, an amazing wife, and a group of friends that I can’t even explain. If you met them or have met them, you would see/understand what I’m talking about. They are awesome.

So over this weekend, my wonderful wife was at a baby shower with her relatives, friends, and my mom and sister. This meant that Dave would be having an unsupervised weekend….So he did what any good responsible adult would do. He invited several of his friends over and bought skin-on hotdogs and Bush’s Baked Beans. The snowy and windy day started with some chat and ended about 15 hours later. The creativity flowed as did the Blue 100. Tim, Jake, and Adam showed up. Although there were some missing ingredients for ultimate awesomeness, that’s a pretty good recipe for good times.

The evening brought good stories, good times, and some relatively below avg music and voices. But who would have it any other way. The best portion of the evening was the creation of The Velvet Sachs. Haven’t heard of them? Don’t worry, you likely never will. This side project of Super-Group Barry and The Rockets is a country/bluegrass/blues-infused recipe for disaster. It consists of two guitars (accoustic/slide), a mandolin, and a washboard.  It also includes any song from any genre which is then changed to fit the tune. Quite possibly the best medley we have ever done.

Anyway it was a good evening and I exposed a few more people to the two greatest shows ever: Flight of the Conchords and Wonder Showzen (which is basically hilarious Sesame Street for adults).

Anyway, thats enough for now. Check out Bethany’s Blog for what she was up to. We’ll call it the behaved portion of our last weekend.

Peace, Love, and Tic-tacs,

DaveO

And Then There Were 8…

8 weeks until I become a dad. (assuming that the due date is correct..is it ever?) So here are a short list of things I have learned or come to realize.

1. When your wife decides in the middle of the night that she wants a sandwich…you make it. You don’t say “Do you REALLY need a sandwich?” You just make it.

2. Do as you are told (this applies ten-fold to the pregnant wife) it’s really not that hard unless you have an “Olsen” gene which causes your mouth to speak before your brain realizes the potentially dangerous “after effect”. But for the rest of you guys out there, just continue as normal, if you’ve been married it’s not like you have been taking orders for __(fill-in-the-blank) amount of days. (962 if you are counting at home).

3. Women “nest”. Thankfully in the human species it does not involve twigs and dryer lint. (If it does, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT question her about it. She’s pregnant and shes right.

4. Pregnant women cry about silly things. Learn to deal with it. Men cry for real reasons likewhen their sports teams win championships, their dog passes, and during “The Notebook”….right?

5. A daily meal schedule is as follows. (There is no alternate schedule). Breakfast, Snack, Brunch, Snack,Lunch, Snack,Afternoon Snack,Snack,Supper,Snack,Snack, Midnight Snack. You might as well play along. I have, and have proudly outgained my wife.

6. Remember any memorabilia you have? Go out and buy a Rubbermaid Tub. If you are lucky, someday she will let you have it back. If you blog about your pregnant wife, it may end up at the local Goodwill store. Proceed with Caution.

7. Your pregnant wife will not find it nearly as hilarious as you will when you take the baby registry gun to the electronics department while she is trying on maternity clothes that could potentially fit a hippo. Apparently the baby “doesn’t need” a big screen HD television or an X-box 36. pfffffft what does she know….

Thats it for now, if I space it out perhaps the repercussions will be less severe.

Tune in for Survivor and Lost tonite! too bad they don’t kill off Jack and Claire off of Lost though, BOOOOO!

Update

I am just figuring this website out. I realized I had a completely blank “About” page. It is no longer that way. I will add more later, but wanted a little something there. I also decided to leave a “picture of the day” when I feel like it. So check back often

The Truth.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:15, “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.”

The United Church of Christ is not to be confused with the “Church of Christ.” The United Church of Christ, however, supports homosexual marriage, abortion, environmental justice, globalism, the International Criminal Court, the Palestinian movement and believes that Israel is illegally occupying the covenant land. The UCC seems to conveniently justify and legitimize his beliefs that social progressivism is equal to Christ and he writes in his memoirs that his own salvation was not an “epiphany.” He reasoned after his daughter asked about life after death, “I wasn’t sure what happens when we die, any more than I was sure where the soul resides or what existed before the Big Bang.”

http://www.ucc.org/about-us/

The Beginning….

Well here goes nothing. Last night while I was watching the biggest choke in pro-sports history, my lovely wife was setting up a blog for her and our future daughter.  So I figured that I would give it a shot as well. Using a little humor now and then, of course.

I’m not going to go write some long blog about anything right now, just an introduction. Who knows what I will choose to write about.  Most likely about fatherhood, what not to say to a pregnant lady, fishing, hunting, politics, etc.

Thats it for now, but I have the day off. Perhaps something will spark my creativity.